


Can I lay next to you

by orphan_account



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: And Ashton is there for no time at all, Calum is only briefly mentioned, Death, M/M, second person because i am too comfortable writing it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-18
Updated: 2014-07-18
Packaged: 2018-02-09 09:28:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1977723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Twenty-seven hours later and there was everything in this world but him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Can I lay next to you

**Author's Note:**

> so i'm just going to recommend Lay Me Down by Sam Smith while this is read because that's what I listened to while writing and it flows better

The bed sheets are pulled back and the room is a mess and the tv is barely a whisper in this close quarters suffocating silence.

The floor is hard and the curtains are drawn and the heater burns to the touch but you lean against it anyway. You sit on the floor anyway, look at the widow anyway. Your heart feels mute and buried but it beats anyway. You have not eaten in four days but you stay glued to the ground anyway.

You think of your trembling hands and how if maybe you stay here long enough you’ll eventually just fade away into nothing. You think about the bruises that litter your body. And you think of how hard it is just to breathe.

Sleep is a foreign entity, you’re not even sure if you’ve been blinking. You’re too scared to close your eyes. If you close your eyes this could all disappear, and you could be right back where you were and, oh, god, you could hear his cries and the gurgling and you can’t even think about it because your stomach turns and you want to punch something, destroy everything, claw into your own skin and scream until you can’t because fuck he was all you cared about and you couldn’t, you couldn’t—

The doctors all said that you were lucky. Everyone said you were lucky. You know that you are not, you know that you are the least lucky person to ever set foot on this earth, you know that he was the lucky one because he does not feel the weight of his own loss.

You knock your head against the window, dirty blond locks dragging against the white bed sheet curtain. Your name is Luke Hemmings and seventy hours ago the love of your goddamn life kissed you and touched your face and told you there was nothing in this world but you. Twenty-seven hours later there was everything in this world but him. Forty-three hours after that and you weren’t sure that you actually made it out of the crash, more convinced that you died and this is your own personal hell and fucking punishment for loving so much and so carelessly.

Because you did. Oh, you did. He was so worth it.

Michael Clifford enchanted you. He was loud and messy and beautiful and you knew from the moment you first spoke to him that he was it for you. It was him or nothing. And that was so very right because here you sit without him and you have absolutely nothing.

There are your memories, your friends, a minibar to ease the pain, but there is nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing but the rest of your fucking life. You did not want it without him.

There is knocking at the door and you know that it is Ashton. Ashton has been trying his best to get through to you, because while he was suffering as well, Calum had might as well lost his mind, and you had not left your locked hotel room in the forty-three hours you had been here.

You ignore him not out of anger or hate or indifference, but more out of the silence that has overtaken you. You have not been able to speak. And it feels unfair to Ashton, but his circumstance is unfair to you.

He will miss his best friend, he will miss the man he traveled with and grew to love. He will not miss his one and only. He will not miss the shining bright stars bursting in the green green eyes of his lover as they fuck for the first time. He will not miss soft words whispered to deaf ears when you’ve woken but still block the sound out because it’s too early to be awake. He will not miss drunken slurred ‘I love you’s and the shadows of kisses on his body that were soiled by the harsh yanking seatbelt that you were wearing but Mikey was not.

So you want to go to your best friend and comfort him and sit in his arms for a while but you cannot because he does not feel this like you do. He could not possibly feel this like you do because you were there.

He swerved and the car behind you smashed straight into the backseat, metal against metal and the your little Subaru crumpled. The break was useless. You fly forward from the force of the impact straight into a truck and he goes through the windshield. The passenger seat was the safest place to be. The driver’s seat was not.

You move to run a hand down your face roughly, stopping when you make it to your mouth. Because you kissed him goodbye in the middle of the highway. Because you’re crying and don’t want to make a sound.

God, he’d be so angry at you for doing this to the other two, for doing this to yourself. But you can’t help it. You want to scream at him that he doesn’t know what it’s like. But he’s not around to hear you. He’s not around.

A lot of time passes and while you sit on the floor. You’re not sure what time it is. But it’s dark.

You’re not sure what time it is, or how long it’s been because you couldn’t count past seventy-three because it started to make things even worse.

But you get up and it hurts but you don’t care because you can’t care.

You’re not sure what time it is but you open the door to Ashton’s room and crawl into bed with him. There is space and silence between you.

“Luke?” His voice quakes.

“Yeah.” You whisper.

You hold him then, and he cries, and you tell him Mikey didn’t even feel it. And he knows you’re lying but it doesn’t matter. Truth doesn’t matter when you hurt this bad.

You don’t know what time it is. You don’t know if you’ll be okay, and you don’t know why this had to happen and you don’t know if you’ll ever feel anything properly ever again. You don’t know how you’re going to finally talk to your mom and Calum and everyone else in the morning.

You do know that Ashton is warm and familiar. And when he stops crying and you stop muttering reassurances it’s very easy to drift off into sleep.

You do know that this feels like the absolute end to everything, but it isn’t.

You know this is not the end.

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by the car crash i was in a week ago, two Sam Smith songs, and the feelings i got when rewatching meryl and maks in the dancing with the stars finale
> 
> also i'm sorry this is not as good as it could be i'm trying to work myself out of a writers block that has lasted for a while so everything still feels mediocre 
> 
> i went into this with an emotion i wanted to portray and i'm not sure how well i got it across beyond luke being kind of a dick oops
> 
> thanks for reading guys


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